Dec. 20, 2003 ~ Angel heart
It was one of those things which wouldn't mean much to anyone else. But it had sentimental value, big time. It was the one "thing" for which I had made special arrangements, in the event of my death. I wanted it to go to a dear friend back in Dallas. It was a gold necklace given to me by my mother, and on that necklace was a tiny gold heart, worn soft with age. All the rough edges were gone, because I had worn that necklace pretty much forever. That heart was also a gift from someone special; it was the very last thing I had which belonged to them. It wasn't just any heart, either. It was graced with a tiny angel, a cherub. It's embarrassing to admit, but I thought of it as a good luck charm, and more. Almost as a protector. As if an object could provide protection. But that's how it felt.
And there was a special pair of gold earrings, a Christmas gift from a dear friend. It wasn't the "gold" that made these things special, it was the "gift." More specificially, the givers of the gifts.
I have a habit of taking off my watch, necklace and earrings when I sit or lie down at home, and leaving these things on a nearby table, nightstand, shelf, etc. There are only so many places they could be, though, because there are a finite number of places to sit or lie. And though I take these things off, I don't actually lose them, given that I've had the necklace for years and years. I only take them off at home, and I put them in safe places, where they don't get lost. A special tray, a certain spot here or there. So when it was time to put them back on, I had only to make the rounds of all the spots or trays or shelves, and they would always turn up. Until one day a few months ago. And though I would very much like to believe it was the work of Becky's dust bunnies, a part of me suspects it is not. For months, I kept thinking the necklace and earrings would turn up. I mean, they just couldn't be lost. Where would they go? I looked everywhere, practically turning the house upside down, to no avail. On the day the items disappeared, we had company. On several occasions, over the years, I have found this person going through various drawers in my home. I just figured she was, well, nosy. I never noticed anything important missing, nor had reason to suspect her of anything but bad manners. But. There it is. "A" plus "B" does not necessarily equal "C," but, well... If you are wondering why I would continue to have someone in my home who is a known rummager-through-drawers, please rest assured that there is a very good reason. So I am officially declaring the items lost, because it is impossible to think otherwise. Maybe the things will turn up yet, and I will feel ashamed for having even thought... what I have been thinking.
The thing is, I can get by without the earrings, but I surely miss that little angel. I have had it longer than my children have been alive. There is a faded photograph of me holding an infant Soldier Boy in my arms, as his tiny fist grabs the necklace. In that photo, we're both smiling. Soldier Boy recently asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I couldn't think of a thing. But later I remembered the little angel, and how lost I feel without it. So I emailed him and explained that the angel necklace was gone, and I had other gold necklaces, but only one angel heart. So would he, could he, maybe... if he could find one, and if it didn't cost too much, I would like to have another one. Well, of course there isn't another one exactly like it, but he found an angel heart, and yesterday he described it, and asked if it would be okay. You know I said yes. And it absolutely is. If that boy is going to Iraq, he needs legions of angels, real ones, watching over him. And I need just one tiny golden cherub on a chain around my neck, to make me feel just a little bit lucky, and a whole lot safer. I think it will rub off on my sons, too.
"Safe" is good. Safe is very good.
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