Oct. 01, 2007 ~ At the Crossroads
Yesterday this entry might have more properly been titled, "Crisis of Faith." It certainly felt like one. Today that feeling has lost its urgency and some of the pain.
I am employed full-time, Monday through Friday, by the church where I am a member. Except that... I no longer feel like a member. I'm just staff. About six months into my employment there, it dawned on me that I had lost my church family, that sense of belonging and being cared for.
Not that long ago, I left church feeling happy and spiritually refreshed, batteries recharged, ready to face the week. There were hugs and welcomes and exclamations of "So good to see you!" Those are rare now. On Sunday mornings, sometimes I hate the sound of my own name, because when I hear it, it's not because someone wants to say hello. It's because that someone (and a dozen other people) needs me to do just one little thing for them. And sometimes when I leave, it's like I need to go home and take a shower, to wash off the ugliness I feel. It's hard to explain without going into detail, and I'd rather not do that. Suffice it to say that some people feel the need to vent, and grab me on Sunday mornings and let loose with whatever is bothering them about various situations at church. Occasionally they call on Monday morning to apologize for taking up my time and for being so negative.
You know, I WANT to be of service to people, or I wouldn't work there. It's just that on Sundays, when I'm not working, I need to feel valued just for me, and welcome, just for me. But I don't. And I miss that. Yesterday my husband and I attended Sunday School together for the first time in several years. (His volunteer position required him to "work" during the Sunday School hour, and I often helped him.) I had not attended in some time, because class members tended to put me on the spot, asking me questions about church business in front of the class. But we were there yesterday, and I had looked forward to it, even though I felt a bit nervous after being away for so long. After just a few minutes in class, the teacher asked me to go to the office and make copies. I just smiled, embarrassed, feeling foolish, and wished I could disappear.
I don't want to leave, but I'm not sure I can stay. I feel myself being pulled in a different direction. Either a different Sunday School class within this church, or... and this is hard... maybe another church. It's hard because my husband still loves it at our church. He is valued and respected and highly regarded. I used to be. Now I'm just staff.
And I'm at the crossroads.
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