Aug. 23, 2003 ~ Hay in August
We purchased thirty more large round bales of hay, more than we can afford, because it looks like we will need it. Husband got it all moved over here today, three bales per load, which took about ten hours of steady work. He fed one bale to the cows, and put out a fresh block of salt, and they were pretty happy campers tonight. More or less. It's hot, and they suffer in the heat. They don't eat as much, they get thin, they rest in the shade. We are praying for rain.
Husband kept asking if I smelled smoke; I did not. Guess my sniffer wasn't working right. But soon there was a tightness in my chest, which remains, and now the strong smokey smell is obvious in the house. He stopped putting the hay away to drive around, trying to find the source of smoke, but he never found it. If you are wondering why we didn't just call the fire department, it's because we live out in the country, there are no burn bans currently in effect, and people burn stuff all the time. Logging debris, brush piles, trash, whatever. We live at the bottom of a hill/mountain, and smoke tends to collect here. No telling where it came from... we just hope the fire, wherever it is, is under control.
For a long time, I could sum up how I felt in two simple words... "everything hurts." Something had happened, I don't know what. It was the strangest thing, as if my body was attacking itself or just going haywire. One thing after another, hurt. Some days I could not eat, because of jaw pain. Something had happened to my corneas -- they were painful and my vision was blurry. Joint after joint burned, ached, or lost strength, as did various muscles. Lifting things weighing only a few pounds caused serious muscle and tendon strain, then inflammation. I could not lift a gallon of milk or a 12-pack of soft drinks. Could not cut up vegetables. Could not open certain of our gates, or turn the outside faucets on or off. The gates were just too heavy; turning the faucet handles hurt too much. Husband took over my chores, while I felt guilty, having no idea what was wrong. One doctor said "fibromyalgia." Other doctors suspected other things. After months of pain, including difficulty walking, sitting, and sleeping, I gave careful consideration to the idea of taking certain medications I had initially rejected. One of the medicines is probably harmless, but I just didn't want to take another drug. Eventually I gave in and decided to try it. It didn't seem to make much difference. The other drug is probably NOT harmless, and is thought to contribute to many serious diseases, but there is something to be said for quality of life. So I am trying that one now, too. It didn't seem to make a difference, either. I've been taking it for about ten days now.
Last night Husband had to work much later than usual, and I decided to try to feed the horses. I had been cutting up Bucky's carrots for several days, and hadn't given it much thought. But there was no way I could pull my body weight up onto the bench and swing up into the barn, to get Dakotah's and Sugar's food. Or was there? I used both hands and gingerly, cautiously, gave it a try. Joints held. Nothing collapsed, hyperextended, or gave way. I stepped up and down from that bench three times. Still nothing. I opened the back gate and paused for a second, realizing that not very long ago, I literally could not move that gate. Could that be? It didn't seem all that heavy any more.
It could have been a fluke. But I swept AND mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, and didn't die. Scrubbed the bath tub... carefully, and though it did cause some discomfort, I was able to do it. This was another thing I hadn't been able to do. Little things began to dawn on me. Like, I was no longer using two hands to turn the key in the ignition. Was able to hold a small book open without much pain. Weird little things that everybody else takes for granted. And the sore spots on my corneas might actually be healing.
I fed the horses again tonight, and gave them water. This meant turning the faucets on and off. It is uncomfortable, but I can do it.
Funny thing, we usually notice when things hurt. What we might not notice... is the absence, or lessening, of pain. There are still problems, and there is still discomfort. But there has been definite improvement. It may or may not last. I can't say for sure if it was brought on by the new medications, but I plan to keep taking them at least for a little while longer.
I feel like I'm getting my life back.
Or something close to it, anyway.
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