Apr. 04, 2003 ~ A funny thing
happened yesterday. I was speaking at a meeting, and I was making a point about Julie, who had JUST been sitting there, when I suddenly realized she was gone. "Where did Julie go?" I asked. And she raised her hand and smiled, because she was in fact sitting in the front row, not ten feet away from me. I made a joke and everyone laughed, but later I seriously wondered if there was something wrong with me. Am I losing it? Well, that's always possible, but more likely, what I'm losing is sleep. For a long time now. Part of it is the sinus medication I've been taking, keeping me awake, but part of it, probably most of it, is worry. I'm not even aware of worrying, but I just lie there wide awake, not sleeping. I've tried hard to act as if all is well, and have been pretty convincing, overall. But things won't really be fine until my son comes home, safe and sound.
I used to worry about the kids driving, or getting sick, or being happy at school or at work. And I still do think about those things, especially about College Boy. But that other... it just tends to overshadow everything else.
For awhile, I've been smiling and acting like I was okay. But maybe I'm not, not completely. All this war news, all the pictures... it just doesn't take much to get to me. I cry at the sight of flag-draped coffins, and grieving widows and children. I cried when I heard the anguished sobs of a POW's mom, as she recounted how she'd seen her son on a foreign TV news broadcast, before she heard about it from the Army. I cry at the sight of soldiers reading letters from home. When I see the steadily growing list of casualties. When I hear about our guys stepping on land mines. When I heard that we lost two of our own in Afghanistan last weekend... a grim reminder that we are at war on more than one front. When I realized that a big-name news guy spent a day with my son's unit, broadcast from there, and I didn't get to see it. No cable.
People I barely know, put their arms across my shoulder or hug me or ask with great concern, how am I doing? And have I heard from him? People put my recent yellow-ribbon photo in their newsletter, not because it's a good photo, but because it's mine. And I have to tell you, that feels just plain weird. Because... how do I say this? This whole war situation is new to many people, who had forgotten we have troops at risk in many places. But it's not new to me. And it feels so odd to have people fussing over me, who didn't fuss before, and acting so concerned, when they never said a word before. Funny thing... some of my online friends, people I don't technically "know," have been more supportive than people here locally.
So I'm not sleeping a whole lot, and I've been sick for a long time, and people are being nicer to me than usual, which just plain feels weird. Could be I was right the first time.
Maybe I am losing it.
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