Mar. 18, 2003 ~ As if
Long ago I learned the wisdom of acting "as if." If you don't feel confident, act as if you are. If you are depressed and feeling dismally low, act as if you are happy... or at the very least, smile. There's no point in making anyone else sad.
"Assume a virtue if you have it not."
Husband is at work, College Boy is at school, the animals are in the barn, and I am feeling very alone. Like many other parents, spouses and children, I do not know where my soldier is today, or what he is doing, or if he is in harm's way. Truth be told, he has been in harm's way for some time now, but I've tried not to think about that. It has not been easy. I fight back tears, because once they begin, it's hard to stop.
Today my inbox is curiously empty. I check; it seems to be working. The phone is silent, too. Everyone is angry or scared or upset about world events. I wish Soldier Boy could call or email or something, just to let us know he is okay.
I don't seem to want to do anything today. It's raining and dreary and I want nothing more than to go to bed, pull the covers up over my head, and just sleep for days. But I think it would be better if I got up and tried to do something productive, to keep my mind occupied. Things are very definitely not okay here, but it might be best to act... as if... they are.
It is so hard to write these words. From the beginning, I've been afraid. I want to see my son again. I want him home, safe and sound. I want to see his smiling face as he gets off that plane at the airport. But I'm afraid, so afraid. All I know to do is to act as if he will come home safely. As if I believe it in my heart, and know it to be true.
When I first started doing my current job, I was terrified. Sick to my stomach terrified. Speaking in public is probably my least favorite thing to do, as I am basically a shy, quiet person. But it seemed a good source of income, and we needed the money, so I steeled myself for it, forced a smile, did it again and again, week after week, until months passsed, and then years. It got easier. By acting as if I could do it, I learned to do it.
I can't believe that anything could happen to my son. If I believed that it could, I don't think I could ever get up in the morning. So even though I'm afraid, I act as if I'm not. As if I'm brave. As if everything will be okay.
As if...
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