Dec. 11, 2001 ~ Losing my voice
You might think that this entry's title refers to some sort of creative crisis. Perhaps you think I'm speaking in literary terms. But I'm not speaking of a literary voice. In fact, I'm not speaking at all, to anyone. Not by choice, mind you. It seems that this silly little "cold" is not a cold at all. Yesterday I woke up feeling as if my head might explode, half-wishing that it would, so I'd be out of my misery. "They shoot horses," and all that. My face hurt. My teeth hurt. Every step I took... hurt. Bone-jarring pain. Well. This does not jibe with my opinion of myself as a strong, darn-near indestructible person. Oh, sure, I occasionally get sick, but I almost always deny it. And when I do get sick, I certainly don't want to ACT sick, or have anyone notice that I'm sick. How embarrassing.
But yesterday morning, I knew something wasn't right, and though it probably wasn't serious, it warranted a trip to the doctor. And it IS just a sinus infection, it seems. I get those fairly often, and breeze right through them. What's different about this one, I wonder? Well, never mind. It makes no difference. Here's the part that matters. Aside from all this face-hurting, teeth-hurting, can't sleep from coughing, really annoying stuff, I have laryngitis. Try telling that to someone and see what they do. I'll tell you what happens -- they ask you about a million questions about how you feel, have you seen a doctor, does it hurt to talk... you name it. All this while it is OBVIOUS that it hurts to talk. Why do people react that way?
So I cannot speak above a whisper, and even that hurts. And this would normally be just a minor inconvenience, except for the fact that my job involves public speaking. It is exceedingly difficult to find substitutes, especially at the last minute. Yesterday I tried, without success, to find someone to fill in for me. No luck. I wound up working anyway. It was one of the physically hardest things I've had to do since I can't remember when. But everyone moved closer to me, paid careful attention, answered questions when asked, and seemed to be very understanding of the whole situation. It helped that the room has excellent acoustics. I have to do this again on Thursday. Let's hope my voice is back by then. I've worked sick before; everyone has. But it's a challenge to be a public speaker when one can't speak!
Here's what I've learned. A lot of people can't seem to cope with someone who can't talk. They ask them questions as if they CAN answer, but just won't. And then there are some people (like my son) who "get it" right away, who do not expect me to say one word, who are fine with me acting things out or writing them down. He would be very good at playing charades, if anyone played charades anymore!
Tomorrow is another day, and maybe my voice will return. Surely it will.
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