July 29, 2001 ~ Brain tumors
I don't have one. Not to my knowledge, anyway. But the other day I was going to begin a journal entry with something like "It's probably a brain tumor." Was going to do that, but didn't, because I was struck by the feeling that maybe someone is reading this who doesn't really know me well, or who knows me but still might misunderstand, and they might be upset, might think for a moment that I was serious. And I wouldn't want that to happen.
But truth to tell, this is just how I talk. I don't make fun of diseases or of people who have them, absolutely not. But I do tend to... shake a stick at those nasty illnesses. Oooga booga! Back, back, get away from here! Laugh out of nervousness, and maybe a touch of fear. You see, my grandfather did die of a brain tumor, as did a good friend in college. And it has not been that long ago (five years) that a doctor suggested that it might be a good idea to have a brain scan, because he thought something pretty serious was going on, and he DID mention a brain tumor as a possibility, but he was WRONG, wrong, wrong. My brain is just fine, thank you.
But I was dizzy the other day, and the first thing that came to my mind was "Gee, it's probably that nasty brain tumor again." You folks might not have known I was kidding, though, or someone might have written to tell me that it wasn't NICE to joke around about such things, because for goodness sake, there are really SICK people in the world who have brain tumors, who might even be dying from them, and it is nothing to joke about. So there I was editing myself although no one had said a word, and it occurred to me... who am I writing for, anyway?
Once I had a conversation with an old friend, which went something like this:
She - "So you have a numb spot on your face?"
Me - "Yes."
She - "What do you think it is?"
Me - "Well, it COULD be bad dental work, or..."
In unison - "Facial cancer!"
And we do talk that way, not because we are nonchalant about cancer, but because we fear it, I guess, so we try to make it seem small and unimportant and the subject of a joke.
Speaking of subjects... I do have one, really. It may be kind of hard to find, but it's there, I'm almost sure of it. Oh, yeah. Who am I writing for, anyway? And why am I editing so much? I've been doing that a lot, the past week or two. What happened to "being myself," or to expressing myself... wasn't that the idea?
Something to think about, that's all. Something to consider.
PS -- The dizziness was most likely because of a cold. Nothing to it.
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