Dec. 29, 2006 ~ Enough
It's official. I have become like one of those folks who lived through the Depression, who always feel poor or close to it, no matter their circumstances. I did not grow up poor, so I'm not sure where this attitude came from. In my grown-up years, there were times of financial difficulty, times of struggle, but no worse than anyone else. I was never homeless or actually starving.
So where, oh where, does this feeling come from? It isn't greed, it isn't wanting things... in fact it's almost the opposite. I really don't want much "stuff." My mom was a Depression baby and she grew up to be a shop-a-holic, never having enough things, always wanting more, more, more. My dad was much the same way, only for him it was cars and boats. My stepfather was the only one who worried about money, about having enough for retirement and for emergencies. Though he had plenty of money and earned a good salary as a pilot, you would never know it by the way he lived. He was a saver, not a spender.
So how did I wind up so unlike my parents, and so much like my stepfather, the man I once considered a penny-pincher? It doesn't matter how much money we make or how much we have in the bank, I have a hard time spending money on luxuries (like a certain silver truck) or "extras," and I never really feel that we are financially secure. There is a certain empty spot which is never really full. It doesn't make sense. But it's true.
We recently received our first gas royalty check, and I just stared at it for the longest time. It is unearned money, and it somehow doesn't feel real. Or deserved. It was our first check and covered a period of several months, so I don't know what the usual amount will be. It will fluctuate anyway. Some months there probably won't be a check at all. But I looked at the check and wondered, how large would it have to be for me to feel safe, and comfortable, and like there is finally enough? I have a feeling that we could win the lottery and I would still feel one step away from being poor. No, it doesn't make sense, but there you go.
Guess I'm just weird that way.
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