Aug. 12, 2004 ~ A delicate situation
Recently I wrote about our friend who'd had the motorcycle accident and broke his leg (in four places). It required surgery and the insertion of rods and pins, and there was no cast. But there were incisions, with staples, and one of the incisions, above his ankle, got infected. This meant twice a day dressing changes, and wrapping with a "cling" bandage. His leg and foot were painfully swollen at first, and he had to keep the foot elevated. He had very little mobility, because of the swelling, incisions and pain. He cannot put weight on the foot at all, and must use a walker.
Various gadgets made life easier for him... a bag which hangs from the walker, a cordless phone to stash in the bag on the walker, and a tray which clips on to the walker. The tray holds a plate and has recessed spots for holding drinks. Extremely helpful. Another friend and I have been taking turns "doing for him," going to change the bandages, doing his shopping, cooking, taking care of the dogs and yard and all the little things that have to be done.
He is a great guy, a wonderful friend, and he would do anything for us. Truly. He's my "go to guy," when Husband is out of town. Meaning, if I have an emergency and need help, he's the one I call. When my precious Dakotah horse decided to jump the fence but didn't quite clear it, he ended up doing an almost-somersault and landed on his head on the asphalt. He bled a lot, from his mouth and nose. Husband was out of town. My baby horse was bleeding -- did I mention that he was bleeding a LOT? And I was scared, so even though it was night-time, I called the vet and then called my friend, who came over with his trailer. We loaded up the horse and made a little visit to the vet. Dakotah was okay, other than a few bad owies and some broken teeth, and it sure was good to know that. Our friend was very kind and said it was no trouble at all, taking us to the clinic, and he meant it. He helps us haul hay. You name it, he'll do it. And not just for us, but for everyone. So with that in mind, you understand that we didn't mind at all, doctoring him and cooking for him and such. Not last year, and not this time, either. But. You saw that coming, right? The "but?"
Although we didn't mind, especially not at first, after a while, we did get tired. There's even a term for it... caregiver burnout. This has been going on for several weeks now, the twice-daily visits, and he does not live nearby. It's a good little drive, plus all the trips to town to run his errands and such. And I tire very easily, because of the fibromyalgia, and try not to overdo. But when someone is worse off than we are, it just doesn't feel right to say "No," does it?
Our friend went to the doctor this week, and came back with the report that he is to continue the twice-a-day dressing changes for at least two more weeks. Well. This made me sad. This made my friend, the one who has been helping with the care of our mutual friend, very sad, too. She had to go out of town for several days, and... the very thought of it exhausted me. I've been doing double duty at work for three weeks, while my coworker has been gone, plus caring for our friend, and I am just very tired. Bone weary. My compadre and I have suspected that our friend might be able to change his dressing himself. The swelling has gone down, and he's very flexible, and we thought he could probably manage the dressing change. We think he just likes our company. Not such a bad thing, and certainly understandable, under the circumstances. He's very active, and to be suddenly bedridden, and for such a long time, well... it's bound to be hard. He's lonely. But there had to be a happy medium. The problem, though, was that we didn't want to hurt his feelings. It was a very delicate situation.
This morning he told me how depressed he was that he was so dependent, how much he disliked having to have someone come over to do his dressing changes. And I knew right then, there was my opening. We could make it about him, not us. So today I went over and took care of his doggies, and sat and visited with him while he ate lunch, and chatted and laughed and talked about this and that, and after a good long time, allowed as how it was time to do the dressing change. Now, the cling wrap really clings. So much so that it's always tough for me to unwrap it. Sometimes I struggle with it; sometimes I wind up getting the scissors. I looked at the bandage for a bit and couldn't find the end of it, so I asked Friend if he could possibly unwrap it for me. He did. And then he took off the dressings and handed everything to me. Which made me smile.
"Wow!" I said, very quietly. "I just realized something. If you can take that bandage off, you can probably put it on, too." And I hope I looked suitably amazed and surprised.
Friend smiled.
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" he asked.
"Yes."
He grinned big. I tried to keep my smile small.
"Tell you what. Let me get you the stuff, and while I'm here, we'll see if you're able to do this on your own. I know how much you want to be independent."
And sure enough, he was able to do it. It was a challenge, but he managed, and he was really pleased and proud.
"You don't think I was using this to get you and _________ (other friend) to come over and see me, do you?" he asked.
"No, of course I don't." (translation: Well, duh, yes I surely do.)
"You'd be wrong," he said quietly. "Not at first. At first there was no way I could do it myself. But now that the swelling is down, and I'm getting more limber... I guess I was afraid to try, because I was afraid you guys wouldn't come over anymore."
Putting my hand on his, I smiled and told him that we would still come and see him even if we didn't need to change his bandages. And we will. We'll still bring him food and visit and run his errands, but maybe we won't be by so often... certainly not twice a day, and maybe not even every day. But he will be okay. And he's so happy that he is able to do this for himself, even if it's hard... maybe especially because it's hard. He feels less dependent.
And this is good.
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