Oct. 08, 2003 ~ No good-byes
I was feeling pretty proud of myself this morning, for reasons which now seem so small. Money. Recognition. "Atta girls." Feeling like I was making a contribution.
After running my oh-so-important errands and attending meetings and such, I headed home. I tossed the mail on the table, opened it all, and left the newspaper there unread. Glanced at the headlines, tsk-tsked at the details about a recent plane crash (local), and went on my merry way.
Tonight I finally sat down, put my feet up, and picked up the paper. And gasped. College Boy walked into the room, saw the look on my face, and said, "I know."
"About Joe?"
He nodded somberly, then leaned down and hugged me.
Tears stung my eyes, as I whispered, "Nobody told me! The funeral was this morning, and I could have gone! I would have gone. I didn't know."
College Boy had just read it in the paper minutes earlier, and assumed I already knew.
Joe (not his real name) was an older man who ran a business here in town. I've written about him before, though I may have called him by a different name. He was friendly and helpful, and always stopped to talk when we crossed paths, which was often. I just saw him, days ago, and we talked a long while. Do you ever do that? Think that because you JUST saw someone, they can't possibly be gone? But we talked about this and that, and he seemed lonely, and... was I friendly enough? Did I take enough time, say the right things?
I was feeling pretty sad, and in shock, and so surprised, and I kept thinking, "But nobody told me. How could no one tell me?" I'd seen the publisher of our local paper yesterday, and she didn't mention it, but... I did notice that she seemed awfully quiet. Pale, and subdued. Had we been alone, I would have, well, asked more. But a number of people surrounded us, all needing my attention, and I didn't want to ask private questions in a public place. With all those people there, most of them talking at once, did I hear Joe's name mentioned? Somewhere in the background, several conversations away? Now I am wondering.
It's been one of those weeks. More meetings than usual, more hectic than usual, and I have struggled to get everything done. Plus, Dakotah hurt his foot and this required a trip to the vet for medicine, then to the drug store for more medicine. But he was somewhat better today, and this morning I could turn my attention back to business matters. So I shuffled my papers and made phone calls and got things done. And felt so proud. And while I was on the phone, arranging for (someone else's) past-due accounts to be paid, a good man, a sweet man, was buried. Without me there to say good-bye. He was a little like George Bailey, in "It's a Wonderful Life." He mattered to a lot of people. Life in our small town will go on without him, but at this moment I can't even imagine what that will be like.
Once the initial shock wore off, I realized that it wasn't really important about me not knowing... it was all about him being gone.
Joe... I'm glad I knew you.
You will be missed.
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